Here we go again

It's always the same story with me. I never know what I want to be in life. I change my mind more than I change my underwear, as my mom would say. There is just so much pressure coming at me, but I think it's just all in my head. Everyone is supportive of me no matter what I do. My mom and Dannon's opinions mean the most to me and they have always been behind me 100% with each career path choice. It doesn't make sense as to why I am so stressed about things now. 

For a while now I was sure I wanted to pursue the forensic science route. I did all my research on the career and even applied to an FBI internship for this summer. Now I'm not sure if I was who they were looking for anymore. All this new doubt has made me start rethinking my plans again. Teaching has been a recurring idea for me. I've always dabbled with mentoring and this semester I taught a non-major biology lab and really enjoyed it. I just don't know. I feel like I have worked so hard in one direction already that it would be a shame for me to change lanes at this point. I won't know what is right for me until I try it and I'm afraid that by that point it will be too late for me to go back and try something else. 

And on top of all that, I am worried about what my mentors will think. Will they think I can never make up my mind? I've already set the groundwork for applying to graduate school and even asked my mentors for references which they agreed to happily. With all these thoughts about waiting a summer at least to see what I really want out of life, will they rescind their support? As a McNair scholar it is understood that I am going to grad school and they hope even so far as to get my phD. But now I just don't know. I am so unmotivated to start school all over again right now. I need a break, but I don't think I can afford one. 

What I want is to follow my mom's advice; come home for the summer (with or without that FBI job) and figure out what to do. Do I want to finish applying to grad school for forensic science? Do I want to become a science teacher? Should I just work in a lab for a while until I get my life togther? Do I want to get married to Dannon already? Does he? I have to figure this all out soon. 

Wish me luck.

Ugh, I sound like a brat. I have so many things in life to be happy about and yet here I am talking about what is wrong. I have so many special people in my life, but they are all off doing new exciting things with their life. I feel like I got left behind in a way. It's not fair of me to say that, but it is how I feel sometimes. I want to wake up everyday and be excited about what is to come instead of spending my whole day in a trance only to look forward to sleeping alone in my dark room with my cats. Wow. That sounds waaay more pathetic than I thought.

sigh... If I could be absolutely anything it would definitely be Angelina Jolie's BFF. THAT would be a perfect life for me. Either that, or a professional PAID hobo where I do nothing but sit my ass down and watch movies all the time....hmmm. NOTE TO SELF: investigate new possible career as movie critic.