Life After May

Still waiting to hear back from grad schools. I really hope I get into UAB. It's sad because part of me wants to wait to go to grad school and just work for a year, but the other part wants to make my parents proud. They really are depending on me to rake in the big bucks because it is looking less and less like my brother or sister are going to be going anywhere anytime soon. It's a lot of pressure to be this hero of the family sort of. It makes it really easy to lose sight of what makes me happy. 

I only know that animals, my family, and Dannon are going to be constants in my life right now. Well, the last one is more of a wish. He has lately been talking about moving in together after graduation in May. I've been giving it more and more thought and it gets more appealing the more I play around with the idea. I would be far from my family still, but I'd be doing something exciting. If I got into UAB, then it would be perfect. If I don't get in, should I still stay in Birmingham? Or should I go back to Maryland and live with my family and work? If i get in to one of the schools I applied to, should I just go get my masters in forensic science for 2 years? I have no idea. 

Life used to be so easy to plan out. High School > College> Happiness? That last part is where it gets fuzzy. 

Please Please PLEASE, UAB. accept me into your program!

going with the flow

So for the past couple of weeks I have been really unsure about what I want to accomplish in life. I'm still without a clue, but I have realized that I never knew what i wanted and yet things still work out.
Alabama is a great example of how I just went with the flow of what was happening in my life. I had no idea where to choose to go to undergrad. It was just chance that Alabama tell me to apply for a free scholarship. I did and the rest is history.
I know it worries Dannon, but I have no concrete plan for my life. I am just taking all this step by step.
My first goal is to quit being a hermit in my room. Just because Katie and George are out of town does not mean I have nothing else to do for fun.
I need to get over sleeping in too. I love sleeping, but I have to realize I'm really messing up my grades for attendance. God I hate when teachers take attendance. Oof.
Next, I need to go back to lab. You know how when you miss so many days that you just are afraid of going back for fear that your teacher is going to hold it against you? Yea, that's where I'm at and it sucks because it's only going to get worse the longer I am gone. I can't use my injury as an excuse anymore. I can walk just fine.
Speaking of walking; I need to start going back to physical therapy. Ugh. Another case of being afraid to return. I need to get over that real soon. I'm so dumb.
And finally, I NEED to study for the GRE. I'm, not planning on getting highest score of the year but I need to do better than last time. It's just one month away and I have no excuse aside from not being motivated. One month of sacrifice is nothing. Grow up, Dale.

If I change all these little things about my life, I think I can get back on track and be less stressed and overall more happy. People have always told me I don't take care of myself and it's true. I'm about to graduate and I can't take care of my needs without someone pushing me. I'm too old for this. I can't rely on someone else to help me out of every situation. I need to learn to rely on me. I really hope I do all these changes. They start on Monday. This weekend I will clean up my room and reorganize it. Maybe that will motivate me to start over and finish this semester up strong.

Here we go again

It's always the same story with me. I never know what I want to be in life. I change my mind more than I change my underwear, as my mom would say. There is just so much pressure coming at me, but I think it's just all in my head. Everyone is supportive of me no matter what I do. My mom and Dannon's opinions mean the most to me and they have always been behind me 100% with each career path choice. It doesn't make sense as to why I am so stressed about things now. 

For a while now I was sure I wanted to pursue the forensic science route. I did all my research on the career and even applied to an FBI internship for this summer. Now I'm not sure if I was who they were looking for anymore. All this new doubt has made me start rethinking my plans again. Teaching has been a recurring idea for me. I've always dabbled with mentoring and this semester I taught a non-major biology lab and really enjoyed it. I just don't know. I feel like I have worked so hard in one direction already that it would be a shame for me to change lanes at this point. I won't know what is right for me until I try it and I'm afraid that by that point it will be too late for me to go back and try something else. 

And on top of all that, I am worried about what my mentors will think. Will they think I can never make up my mind? I've already set the groundwork for applying to graduate school and even asked my mentors for references which they agreed to happily. With all these thoughts about waiting a summer at least to see what I really want out of life, will they rescind their support? As a McNair scholar it is understood that I am going to grad school and they hope even so far as to get my phD. But now I just don't know. I am so unmotivated to start school all over again right now. I need a break, but I don't think I can afford one. 

What I want is to follow my mom's advice; come home for the summer (with or without that FBI job) and figure out what to do. Do I want to finish applying to grad school for forensic science? Do I want to become a science teacher? Should I just work in a lab for a while until I get my life togther? Do I want to get married to Dannon already? Does he? I have to figure this all out soon. 

Wish me luck.

Ugh, I sound like a brat. I have so many things in life to be happy about and yet here I am talking about what is wrong. I have so many special people in my life, but they are all off doing new exciting things with their life. I feel like I got left behind in a way. It's not fair of me to say that, but it is how I feel sometimes. I want to wake up everyday and be excited about what is to come instead of spending my whole day in a trance only to look forward to sleeping alone in my dark room with my cats. Wow. That sounds waaay more pathetic than I thought.

sigh... If I could be absolutely anything it would definitely be Angelina Jolie's BFF. THAT would be a perfect life for me. Either that, or a professional PAID hobo where I do nothing but sit my ass down and watch movies all the time....hmmm. NOTE TO SELF: investigate new possible career as movie critic.